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An Educated Guess

Apr 1, 2010


Location: Dominica
Author: Gabriel Cohen
Today was our last day in the magical and absurd paradise-like island of Dominica. While in our previous two days here we had explored the wonders of the dark, moist, and sketchy jungle, today we reaped the plentiful ecotourism bounty of the surrounding sea. Indeed, today the crew of Argo was fortunate enough to go diving in Dominica. Why was this dive different from all other dives, you ask? Well, in the words of our own dive instructor, Jessica ‘Beaker” Wurzbacher, it is the single greatest dive in the Caribbean. Perhaps the world. Maybe even the whole universe. We don’t yet know what the diving is like on other planets, but based on this testimony, it probably isn’t nearly as good as in Dominica. I would also bet that a dive shop on any of the moons of Saturn would be terribly overpriced, especially considering that there isn’t any liquid water there. But I digress, and in my digression, I digress even further into branching paths of self-perpetuating digression. Today, we dove the greatest of dives. Well, most of us did. I was one of the few who chose stay behind. I was slaving all day over a boiling hot practice chart, for in my exuberance for experiencing the other wonders we had traveled to, I neglected much of the work required to keep up my grades and get my captains license. And so I stayed behind while the others went and had their minds repeatedly blown asunder. Since I was not there, I can only make educated guesses as to what transpired. And so I will. The first thing I assume, the shipmates must have seen upon submerging was a small but organized army of squid. They were all swimming in formation, flashing different colors that can only be understood with the help of 3-D glasses. The local mermaids had constructed a magnificent castle, with coral-covered towers and archways. There was a parade all through the streets of the ocean pixie village, with a band of crabs that could only march sideways. They walked into several anemones, but the calypso music never stopped. All of the fish were wearing matching t-shirts, but no one could read them, as t-shirts don’t fit fish very well at all. There was a single octopus selling popcorn and minestrone soup. Occasionally, the soup would get caught in an upwelling and float out of the pot, while the octopus scrambled to keep it all in one place. None of the Argonauts were able to taste the soup, as they were too busy breathing, but a local parrotfish said it was far too salty. Gangs of sea stars lurched around the reef, terrorizing hapless blennies with their obscene language and shocking yet slow aggression. Several humpback whales stopped by for coffee before returning to their long journey to nowhere. All of the turtles were swimming upside down. This is probably what happened. Unless it didn’t, in which case, never mind.