Location: Underway to Ahe Atoll
JIF, this might be a first, but I think you should market your “extra smooth peanut butter” as a 3-in-1 detangler, shampoo, and mouthwash. When this new product takes off, don’t forget your day ones, and maybe even throw in a lifetime gold card in Argo’s name for your products. The amount of peanut butter consumed on this boat is a feat for the Guinness World Record 2027 version. This smooth (not chunky), delicious substance is not only one of our main food groups but is also a key tool around the boat, especially these past 24 hours with two very unique events. One of the ways to utilize this tool is in watch team wakeups. This might sound slightly off, “peanut” (putting), but let me set a scene for you. It’s 4 am, you have just slept in a coffin-sized sauna with 6 other sweaty individuals, the waves slamming you into the wall all night with no break. Legs absolutely covered in bites from bugs straight from hell. Half asleep, you feel a tap on your shoulder and instantly get hit with a wave of hot, airy peanut butter breath, “ARRRRRTHHHHHURRRR you have WAAAAATCHHHHHHH in THHHHHHIIRTY minuteSSS” making sure to really speak from the deepest darkest most buttered up parts of our throats. Ani and I proceeded to wake up the rest of the group. We then headed back to the cockpit and washed the peanut butter down with our 6th mango of the night, or 30th of the week if you’re really counting.
The second of these events is Ani’s peanut butter shower this afternoon. VHF class in full swing, she leans back straight into the fly trap. Hair wrapped all around the device that has caught more humans this week than flies. Using my childhood knowledge of how to remove gum from hair, I instantly reached for the same jar of Jif. Leading Ani ino starboard forward, she sat on the heads while I lathered her hair from root to end in peanut butter. Surprisingly, one of the less disgusting things we have found in hair on this boat (throwback to the bird poop rain-showers on the way to Galapagos). After scrubbing her head with copious amounts of peanut butter and dish soap, we sat in the salon smelling freshly buttered up and more ready than ever to learn VHF. I have been meaning to practice my 2+ years of cosmetology experience, and I got just that. I wouldn’t necessarily say that topped the 15 haircuts I gave at the equator, but I would say it’s a close runner-up.
Anyway, if you see this, shoot my friend Jonas J. back on Instagram and remember your worth. You’re more than just a snack around here.
Best Regards,