Location: Mediterranean Sea
What do you do if you’re slated to arrive at your destination at 3 am?
It turns out the correct answer is:
1) Cut the engine.
2) Jump off the boat.
3) Do absolutely nothing for 6 hours.
So that’s what we did today. Throw an oceanography course in there + an inflatable dolphin named Christine, and you get the picture.
On another note…
Similar to baseball cards, every boat needs crew trading cards. Lo and behold… the Vela limited edition cards are now available for pre-order for only $19.95. In collaboration with the entire Vela crew, this edition was created during the passages to Barcelona and Sardinia. Crew Members are sorted into 1 of 4 main categories: Helmer, Boat Checker, Bow Watcher, or Napper. From there, strengths and weaknesses are assessed on an individual basis and also include the “GTP,” which is their “go-to phrase.” Here’s the first edition in alphabetical order (they are copyrighted, and we will litigate).
VELA Summer 2022 Crew Trading Cards
Abi “the Sergeant” Martel
Helmer
Intimidation factor: yes
Mothering abilities: 94/100
Superpower: aggressive hand raises
Coffee spilled: 6 liters
GTP: “I mean, what? Who said that”
Amanda “the astronomically inclined” Shuman
Helmer
Sleepiness: 9/100
Synopsis abilities: 92/100
Heat capacity: 4/100
Superpower: Marsupial pouch
Weakness: Easily defeated by Granny Smith apples and cinnamon. I can’t eat the peas.
GTP: “Hundo P”
Annie “the double dog” Kosinski
Boat Checker
Noise level: 8/100
Helming accuracy: +~47 degrees
Topics of conversation: 1. Med school
Knot record: IDK but still slower than Max and Mal
Superpower: ab circuits and deck walks
GTP: “wowieeee”
Calum “the kid” Nish
Helmer
moving sails prematurely: 99/100
Appeared age: 12. Actual age: 5
Clothes originally his: 0
Poop blaming: 1
Weakness: cheesecake
GTP: “hey?”
Carolyn “the ‘ole drunken gypsy” Balek
Helmer
Superpower: will match any weirdness
Roasting of slow boat checkers: 99/100
Weakness: leads with crown of head
Calum lookalike: 79/100
Bosun’s worst nightmare
GTP: “ohhh yeh… so there’s that.”
Daniel “the Mediterranean whisperer” Nuthalapaty
Napper
Water consumption 9/100
Wake-up speed: 28:17
Superpower: making friends with anything
Puppy eyes: 91/100
GTP: “Mr. Calum?”
Duncan “the speedo” Goodman
Helmer
Superpower: Speedo watch
Improv games: 8438. Fun improv games. 0
Pages of war and peace read: 3 (update 8/12/22: 4)
Weakness: Gives good briefs but doesn’t wear them
GTP: “gooood mornin.”
Dylan “the worm” Cottrell
Napper
Goat noises 97/100
Lingo adoption ability: 85/100
Fashion sense: 140/100
Bottles of zinc depleted: world’s supply
Skin cancer: 0
Superpower: auditory NyQuil
GTP: “that’s fair.”
Gigi “the ramen snatcher” Citrin
Boat Checker/napper
Wake-up speed: 15:48
Lips busted: 3
Bilges actually checked: 0
Moons revealed: 2 confirmed
Ramen consumed: 1 pallet
Seasick level: 79/100
Superpower: having people ask for a friend
GTP: “100% I’m not going to lie”
Heather “Mola Mola” Cook
Bow watcher
Astronomically inclined
Heat capacity: 17/100
Superpower: drinks scalding coffee before a brief
Boat shoe steps: 0 tiptoes: 1000
GTP: “hiiiiii”
Jack “360” Savage
Napper
Sly level: 2/100
ramen trip record: 38:15
Superpower: uppercut wake-up technique
Weakness: 25-year-old wifeys
Role models: James Bond, Donald Trump, and Machiavelli
GTP: “*sound of silence*.”
Kayla “the Tom antagonizer” van Der Sande
Boat Checker
Noise level: 91/100
One-liners: 452
Gripper dexterity: 89/100
Superpower: deep tissue massage
Weakness: Dylan’s lectures
GTP: “booo party foul.”
Laura “barf bucket babe” White
Helmer/Napper
Watch team briefings 94/100
Seasickness 81/100
Superpower: fetal positions
Rice cakes consumed: 184 sleeves
Airspeed into bunk: terminal velocity
GTP: “I mean…wooooooah.”
Mal “Rosco” Reading
Bow Watcher
Goofy dance 91/100
Superpower: self-pity sass
Coffee consumed: entire shipment from Guatemala
Love for sailing: Tom + Calum – Daniel
GTP: HAAAAAAAAaaa
Maxwell “the fo’csle Hatcher” Jones
Helmer
Noise Level 95/100 (when one-upping with Natalie and or Carolyn)
Ego appetite: 120/100
Superpower: will always ask to open fo’csle hatches
Guitar songs able to play: 2 confirmed
Times not clipped in at night when randomly interrogated: 83/100
GTP: “Sure, great. Sounds awesome”
Natalie “hot take” Magill
Boat check/napper
Times fallen: we lost count
Fouly affinity: 89/100
Superpower: Scorpion hairdo
Scrunchies owned Walgreen’s entire inventory
Noise level: 72/100 when alone
Prefers mealy apples and bologna
GTP: “arrrr narrrrr”
Sage “crunchy crust” Eanet
Helmer
Superpower: marathon helming
Hairs found on deck + head walls: 864
Coffee consumed: 82 quarts
Eyes rolled at dumbness: 84/100
GTP: “terrible news.”
Sarah “top bun” Goins
Boat Checker
Avg boat check time 23:30
Actual bilges checked: 1
Helming: 5/100
Superpower: MIA sail raises
Weakness: companionways
GTP: “no, but”
Sydney “Sweet” Szwed
Helmer
Cookies consumed: 260 witnessed. 530 unconfirmed
Superpower: the splits
Weakness: deforestation
Disney trivia 99/100
Spirit animal: buddy the elf
GTP: “wait, whattttt? Oh okay”
Tia “what is the good?” Peterson
Boat Checker
Loudness: 83/100 standard, 99/100 laugh
Book kill count: 4 headshots
Decade Should have been born in: the 20s. Like 20 A.D.
Weakness the garden hose
GTP: “wait, what about”
Tom tomanatrix Tomacello
Helmer
Superpower: controls time
Noise level: 5/100
Video game / helm ratio= 2:1
Toe width: 98/100
Coffee beans ground: 14,894 this week
Weakness: uncontrollable smiling at sails
Silent companionway stare down
GTP: “it’s okay.”
Zoe “the bank” Martin
Helmer
Wake-up time: .0027 seconds
Heat capacity: 12/100
Popcorn consumption: 78/100
Stories about downtown NOLA: 57
Seasick level: 58/100
Sailor mouth: 95/100
GTP: “that’s hilarious.”
And so concludes the presentation of the Crew Trading Cards. As you can see, we have the best and quirkiest crew in the world, and I wouldn’t dream of changing our starting lineup. Whether sailing the Atlantic or floating aimlessly through the Mediterranean, each person on this boat can light up your day and has made the entire experience unforgettable. Until next time… Chao!